The second most popular cosmetic procedure for men is eyelid surgery. Now, you’re probably like us and wondering what the fuck could be so wrong with the skin around someone’s eyes to warrant an expensive surgical fix.
Well, it all appears to be vanity-related.
Men are getting this operation to fix the bagginess and sagging that often occurs as a result of aging.
It is mostly men feeling insecure about closing in on their elder years and still wanting to look good enough to get laid on occasion.
For some, the surgery is a better alternative than just moving on to a darker tavern and lowering their standards to chain-smoking mutants and other raspy-voiced downtrodden of the barstool scene.
At first, we thought that maybe men were gravitating toward this procedure because it had the words “lip” and “suction” in it.
But it turns out that guys are actually having liposuction as a means for trimming the fat that they can’t seem to get rid of through regular diet and exercise.
In some cases, guys are eating right and working their asses off in the gym but, because of a variety of factors, their bodies just aren’t responding at full throttle.
There are also those situations where dudes continue to treat their bodies like a Mississippi whorehouse by filling them with trash, with the understanding that their fatass problem is nothing that money and stitches won’t fix.
Of course, there is definitely that one guy out there that is still disappointed because when he signed up for liposuction, he thought his health insurance was finally covering blowjobs.
We never thought we’d live to see the day when men were paying money to see smaller breasts, but it is a brave new world, you know?
Apparently, while most dudes prefer the fairer sex to sport a massive chest, they are not at all keen, themselves, about walking around with Double Ds.
It’s really too bad that Kramer and Frank Costanza were never able to come together on their male support garment affectionately known as “the Bro”…or, was it the “Manzierre?”
Sounds like some of you saggy bastards could really use a contraption like that today.
Although baldness is fashionable in this day and age in ways that it never was before, some guys just are not ready to embrace a head full of skin. It is, for this reason, that hair transplants are the fifth most sought after surgical procedure for men.
They just can’t function without a thick coiffure of ass hair stitched into their scalp to help them exude confidence. Might we suggest investing in a nice razor and skin it on back, jack! Either that or get a massive tattoo on it.
We’ve got to believe that anything is better than a head full of fart-catching locks that once collected dingleberries.
But whatever. Just do what you’ve got to do to keep from being lumped into the same category with those wolf born motherfuckers we mentioned earlier.
Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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