On this day five years ago, I became Facebook friends with this girl who used to flake on me almost every single time we hung out, to the point where one time I literally thought: “I want to be famous just so I can publicly ignore you.” Her profile picture, featured in the little slideshow Mark Zuckerberg (probably) personally made to commemorate one of the least impressive friendships I’ve ever had, shows her in a sports bra with her hot French boyfriend doing the Hollywood sign hike. Cool, thank you, I needed to see this.
On this day three years ago, I became friends with five people I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to in person. Two out of the five people are way hotter than me.
On this day nine years ago, someone posted on my wall about physics homework. Actually, it sort of looks like I posted on their wall first about the physics homework, and they’re just responding to me. Was I a loser in high school and just finding out about it now?
On this day last year, I made a picture of Ted Cruz my cover photo. I had no idea Trump was going to be president. I can’t remember in any capacity what it’s like to not constantly be reminded that Trump is president. 20 people liked the picture.
On this day four years ago, a girl posted photos of me from a themed college party. I’m wearing a crop top because I was a fun party girl! I’m going to report these images to Facebook officials.
On this day two years ago, I became friends with a guy who eventually introduced me to his girlfriend’s roommate’s friend at a party who then later introduced me to a guy I irrationally fell in love with from afar and whose Venmo account I still check up on from time to time. He still lives in California, he recently got pho with a friend.
On this day three years ago, someone posted a BuzzFeed article on my wall and that made me think about all the hours I spent taking BuzzFeed quizzes while I waited for my Adderall to kick in and how I’m currently holding a secret grudge against the friend I used to take those quizzes with.
On this day five years ago, I posted a status about being bored and I immediately deleted it because I was so embarrassed that I would overshare such mundane information about myself on the internet, which is ironic because now I’m paid real human dollars to do that literally every day.
On this day four years ago, someone posted on my wall about a cat jumpsuit I was going to wear for Halloween. I’m also reporting this to Facebook officials — I’ve tried everything in my power to pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-like memory removal service on my own brain to forget how I legitimately wore a cat jumpsuit for Halloween in public on purpose.
That Ted Cruz cover photo I made last year also reminds me of the last guy I tried to trick into falling in love with me, whose Venmo I also still check up on from time to time. He told me my cover photos were funny. They are. I wonder if he’s single.
On this day two years ago, I became Facebook friends with this girl who is friends with the BuzzFeed quiz friend, which only further reminds me of how annoyed I am with that the BuzzFeed quiz friend.
On this day six years ago, I uploaded a photo of my friend from my Blackberry. We are still friends — so I guess this memory is fine, aside from the usual pain I feel from remembering that time is passing by me at an alarming rate and I can do nothing to control it!
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